Mambo Yote: A nation reborn

Welcome to the New Kenya. We are in a new forest but the monkeys are
still the same.

Plenty has happened in the last month or so in Kenya. No wonder we are
an international country. Firstly we held a historic referendum on the
4th of August and we all turned up in large numbers to reveal our true
colours of green/red or yes/no. Once we did that we were free to
become colour blind again. One thing for sure is that Kenyans love
queing. I think we are the world champions of lining up. Remember the
sim card registration?

The results came out and the greens had more votes than the reds
though in the end every voter actually won as Kenya showed that it was
ready to move away from the scars of 2008. This time again the people
led the leaders. Let's continue reading that document to understand it
fully. Dual Citizenship is here to stay. Reds became chameleons and
turned green wanting to implement what they said was bad and
unworkable. Only in Kenya does the word principle have no meaning at
all. Power and privileges must be retained at all cost.

Then came the promulgation ceremony. A new word for Kenyans which has
been used for everything. "Let's promulgate that Ugali" said some
cheeky fellow as they were having nyama choma for lunch. 27th August
was declared the big day where the new constitution was promulgated in
front of a mammoth crowd at Uhuru Park. In attendance were several
heads of state current and retired, eminent persons, distinguished
guests, greens and chameleons. New constitution new politicians
please. Let's not recycle the garbage that is clamouring to be
governors, senators and mp's.

We removed and showed all our military hardware and now our neighbours
know what we have been hiding all these years. Some were new and
others were newly painted. Missing were the Ukranian T72 tanks that we
'bought' 2 years ago. Maybe we sold them. The cloudy skies denied us
the chance to see the new F5 and F5e we bought second hand from the
Jordanian Air Force but those we shall see next month during Heroes
Day (formerly Kenyatta Day). Even Bashir who is not known for
attending many parties due to some argument with the ICC which I
thought was the International Cricket Council was in the house. We
should have invited the guy hiding in Afghanistan. He too may have
come. Gatecrashers galore were present as even Pattni had an invite
and he sat next to the Judiciary. Wonder what they discussed.

As we argued/denied about who we should have been invited to the
promulgation the national census results were released. This time they
were released a year later as usually they are released ten years
later. Well done. The numbers showed or 'telled' that we have been
busy in the past decade. Indeed some have been busy producing while
others have been busy heckling and shouting. Our brothers from east
have been transforming from refugees into Kenyans at an alarming rate
and the North Eastern population shot up by 140%. Curiously the
population in Mogadishu went down by 140%. Did enumerators cross the
border to count people?

The Western guys did not disappoint as they provide a vital workforce
which is the backbone of our fragile economy. The central chaps need
to reduce on the drinking though the recently passed Alcohol Bill
seems to have their full support. The celebrations were evident.
Obamas relatives claim that the yellow yellow girls whom they have
been engaging with are classifying their children as from central
hence the reduced numbers. As for my people down by the beach we are
more than I thought so keep it and muendelee vivyo vivyo.

Sympathies to the Indians who were not counted as Asians but as
Somalis. Asians were the Chinese only who are building the roads.
Halfcastes/halftribes/wakosa kabilas say they were discriminated
against as their tribe 'Kenyans' was not in the final figures. Other
controversial/illegal groupings were also not in the final tally. All
in all 38 million people is still many with half men and half women
though this is debatable.

David Rudisha may not have been widely known a month ago but the new
double 800m world record holder is the most popular Masai around. This
amazing 21 year old has done Kenya proud by breaking the 13 year old
world record twice in ten days. Well done Rudisha you have made Kenya
proud by rudishaing/returning the record home.

Harambee Stars are the shame of the moment. Apart from Oliech who
trains in F2 I don't blame the players but wholesomely blame the
management Football Kenya Ltd. Someone once said you cannot let a
standard 3 teach standard 5's, neither do you let a matatu driver
handle an aeroplane. The coach is absolutely crap. How could we lose
to Guinea-Bissau? Where is Guinea-Bissau? It is a tiny island in the
Atlantic off the West African coast. It has a population less than
Embakasi constituency. Shame shame shame. Something needs to be done
yesterday. The Nigerian preacher who was at KICC over the weekend
should be enlisted. At least he has a following.

Condolences to the families of the Okiyos, Kiboros and Mwitis who have
lost dear loved ones in the last week or so. May the Almighty be with
you all and may the rest in peace.

See you soon and have a blessed week!

Mambo Yote

Its been a while since I last wrote so I offer my sincere apologies
over my absence. So much has happened locally and internationally over
that period but two significant things come to mind.

The first is the recently concluded soccer World Cup hosted by Africa
through South Africa. We must as Africans take the full credit and pat
ourselves back for a show well done. Incredible we hosted it without
few hitches and the show went well. A few strikes here and there and
some journalists robbed but their valuables were recovered. Don't know
when we will host again as a continent but the memories and especially
that Jabulani ball will live long. Holland and Argentina will be back.

Now apart from Ghana whom I must say represented us well save for the
hurriedly taken spot kick by Asamoah Gyan (not forgetting Uruguay's
Luis Suarez) the rest of the African teams were an embarrassment. What
happened to Cameroon, Nigeria, Cote d Ivoire, Algeria and of course
hosts South Africa (they actually tried by beating France)? Where were
Etoo, Song, Yakubu (who can forget that miss?), Odemwinge, Kanu,
Drogba, Toures', Kalou, Pienaar, Tshabalala, Chachou, etc? I felt
cheated and robbed as the stars we eagerly awaited to see shine never
appeared at all. My o my they were bad bad bad. They need to apologise
to all those who watch and adore them when they play for their club
sides. It seems the national sides for them are not serious issues. No
more Naija movies or songs for a while.

Now matters local and the referendum is here with us again. At least
the month of soccer made time go fast as the politicos traversed the
country spreading their message on how each and everyone understands
or misunderstands the current and proposed constitution. One thing for
sure in my house bananas, oranges and water melons have been banned
till August 4. And this includes offertory which is suspended till the
4th as well. In terms of clothes only blue, grey, black, yellow, pink,
indigo, violet, maroon and turqoise coloured will be worn. White is
also acceptable too.

My proposal which I will champion after the referendum is we must put
a zero value on land so as to reduce competition for land. In Angola
the whole country has one title deed and all land belongs to the
state. It is then loaned out to people or groups for development
purposes for the benefit of the people and the state. One thing I will
welcome is Dual Citizenship. I look forward to taking up Brazilian,
Cuban, Jamaican and Australian citizenship for a number of reasons.

Final message is I wish the Prime Minister Raila Odinga a speedy
recovery, and encourage President Kibaki to continue with zeal he has
shown in the last few months and congratulate Chirau Ali Mwakwere for
his recent victory. We await with baited breath for what Mwakwere has
in store for us as for sure we know he will definitely surprise us.
Dzipapa Dzipapa Dzipapa!

Have a great week :)

Mother Africa

I must apologise for having gone AWOL or missing in action for a
while. So much has been happening and there has been a bit of travel
so living in and out of a travel bag has been the order.

First things first. Condolences to our Nigerian brothers and sisters
for the loss of their President Yar Adua who passed away last week.
Sad that he passed away but the whole secrecy and intrigue around his
health could have been avoided. We in Africa seem to be allergic to
death and illness and consider them taboo. No it shouldn't be that
way. It is very natural to die and it is human to be sick.

Kenya takes a great deal of the international limelight at present.
Dubai put in place stringent measures recently on visa requirements to
Kenyans who want to visit or transit through. You were required to
have a degree to get a visa. That was indeed tough and it took some
begging, pleading and admission of diplomatic incompetence to get that
order thankfully rescinded. Once again it exposed our beloved
country's lack of clear cut foreign policy. What we are good at is
appointing friends, relatives and political rejects to plum diplomatic
postings as recently witnessed.

The push for a new constitutional order takes centre stage for the
next few months. Two key issues and a third have emerged as
contentious, controversial and excuses that will be the focal point as
whether to vote YES or NO in the forthcoming referendum. Kadhis
courts, abortion and land form the basis of the argument. Politicians
true to form have come out in their true colours giving their own
original interpretations of the draft. Their levels of imagination are
unbelievable and a lie said many times sadly beomes the truth. I ask
the mwananchi to read the draft and make up your own mind. Those of us
who are priviledged in understanding matters legal better should take
up the mantle and institute voluntary civic education on the masses.

The church leadership should not engage politicians in a tit for tat
fashion. Continuing to do so will make one wonder the say "birds of a
feather flock together". As for now one can't tell the difference
between politicians and men of the cloth as they all seem to be
babbling the same thing. What is clear is Kenya my country is in dire
need of a new constitutional order that will embed institutional and
political reform, social justice and equitable distribution of
resources. Rooting out corruption and proper environmental stewardship
of our natural resources is a must without argument. In simple terms
we need to clean up our house and put it order in a peaceful and
civilised manner.

Ocampo Ocampo Ocampo. Who is this Argentinian with a Luo sounding name
that keeps sending shivers down the spine of some? Presently in Kenya
and loving every moment of it, this man carries the silent hopes of
many a Kenyan whowere affected directly or indirectly by the 2008 post
election violence. Working under the banner of the ICC the lawyer
prosecutor is currently in Kenya to set the ball rolling on nailing
the bad boys of Kenya political scene. The hurdles he will face are
many as their is bound to be resistance to his efforts. All I can say
is good luck sir. If in doubt ask John Troon for tips.

I have been told that I focus too much on sports at times so I will
try and keep it at a minimal. (Try is the key word). The Soccer World
Cup kicks of next month and Africa will be the focus as the continent
hosts this glorious event courtesy South Africa. Ideally this time
round from the 6 African countries will participate boosting our
chances of lifting this coveted trophy. Apart from hosts South Africa
we have Ivory Coast, Cameroon, Ghana, Algeria and Nigeria in the
running for glory. The likes of Drogba, E'too, Kalou, Kanu, Obi Mikel,
Yakubu, Song, Anichebe, Odemwinge, McCarthy, Pienaar, Dindane, Hassan,
Nomvete who are our African stars or our genuine African millionaires
through sheer hard work and not corrupt methods will be hosting other
mega soccer stars in the likes of Messi, Rooney, Torres, Chamakh,
Ballack, Fabiano, Ronaldo, Terry, Gattuso, Park, Donavan, Lampard and
Peter Crouch among others. With all these names our continent the
focus of the world will solely be Africa for 30 days exclusive. Never
before has that happened before in its entire history for non
political reasons. So the naughty boys had better be on their best
behaviour for that period. One thing for sure is the withdoctors will
be in big business as they work on ensuring their teams come good.
FIFA has even acknowledged and accredited them so do not be surprised
if an African country lifts the World Cup trophy. During last years
Confederations Cup, the Spanish soccer team complained of too many
Africans in the stadium with their vuvuzelas. All I can say is that
you ain't seen nothing yet. More of us are coming to fill the stadiums
and the streets of South Africa in a carnival mood to blow those
vuvuzelas in your faces. Hello hello welcome to Africa.

On a more personal note congrats to Kenya Harlequins rugby for winning
the Kenya Cup and well done Tottenham Hotspur for getting into next
seasons Champions League.

The volcanic ash from Iceland once again showed us that Mother Nature
is indeed boss and that we must act responsibly to the environment or
else she will get angry and erupt again. Indeed there are forces
greater than man out there and at times we need a subtle reminder.

The elections in the UK have produced a hung parliament. Our advice
from Africa is simply form a coalition goverment all three parties and
share the posts eqaully : Prime Minister and two deputy Prime
Ministers. Have a national accord which can signed in front of the
Queen and witnessed by all the African ambassadors. After all its
working in Kenya and Zimbabwe so why not UK. Then after that their is
need for a constitutional review in the UK to ask the people whether
they want two centres of power or one. A referendum can be held there
too. Do we want the Queen or is it time for a strong presidency in the
UK? This is the advice from Africa.

Have a good week:)

African Presidential Style

Only in Africa are things done in the African way. I want to briefly focus on 5 African presidents who are standouts in their own way.

Nigeria - Umaru YarÁdua. The current original existing Nigerian President. Hasn't said a word or been seen in months. Took off to Saudi Arabia for medical treatment four months ago and allegedly sneaked back to Nigeria 4 weeks ago. Nobody has seen him including the acting present visible President Goodluck Jonathan. With a name like that he definitely needs all the luck he can get.

Sudan - Omar Bashir. This is one real tough cowboy as long as he is within the confines of Sudan. Currently on the ICC watchlist with a warrant of arrest on his head, he is facing modest opposition in the April general elections. However his focus seems to be the election monitors whom he has told he will cut off their fingers if they interfere with the elections. Imagine not having fingers to make a phone call in Sudan. Try and arrest him.

South Africa - Jacob Zuma a.k.a JayZee. The ultimate male multi-tasking machine. 5 official wives, the presidency, 2010 World Cup coming in June, JayZee one would have thought has his hands full but amazingly he is still engaged to another fiancee. The (closet) role model for many an African man when does he get time to run the country? Nobody dares ask him whether he is coming home for dinner and what time he came home or whether he has had a shower.

Zimbabwe - Robert Mugabe the ultimate defender of the oppressed depressed Zimbabwean and African people. He is the one who has defied all odds. Sanctions don't hurt him or bite him. Still in power and Morgan Tsvangirai believes he is power-sharing? Bob has indicated that he is willing to answer the call of the Zimbabwean people and stand yet again as president. Firmly in control of army, police and prisons, how can he lose an election?

Libya - Muammar Gadafffi. He is the King of Kings and unofficial President of the USAf (United States of Africa). Did not want to relinquish the AU presidency which is held on a 12 month term but finally relinquished it in a huff after being told NO by other leaders. For someone with ambitions of being President/King of Africa the advise he gave Nigeria on how to solve their tribal/religious clashes was shocking. He asked that the country be split into two - christian Nigeria and moslem Nigeria. Talk about African Unity. (Has nice bodyguards though.)

And finally who is this Makmende that everybody is talking about? I dare say Makmende for President in 2012.

Mambo Yote – 10th March 2010

I must apologise for not having penned my thoughts in a while but the month of February actually went much faster than I would have imagined. The 28 days allocated to it were effectively used up completely. Nevertheless I will attempt to do a brief on the month itself.

Heroes

My heroes of the month happened to be sportsmen and with good reason. Congratulations and well done to the Kenya Rugby 7’s team for such an outstanding performance yet again during their IRB rugby tours in Wellington and Las Vegas. It was in Vegas that they actually stole the show getting to the semi-finals after having beaten England in one of the grittiest matches they have ever played. With hundreds of Kenyans (legal and illegal status) watching them live in the stadium they played world-class rugby yet again. Those of us who remained back home for lack of airfare to Vegas were kept watching on telly the whole night and we too were jetlagged by the time Monday morning reached. Personally I slept the whole of Monday just to enable me recover for the week. Many others I know were in the same boat.

AFC Leopards SC and Sofapaka FC also joined my list of February heroes as they brought a glimmer of hope that Kenyan soccer is down but not really completely out. AFC thumped some Ethiopian team 3-1 at home and it was good to see a Kenyan soccer team winning an international match. Sofapaka (or Sofameeauw or Sofapussy as some Gor fans would say) also showed some promise as they held Egyptian giants Ismailia to a nil-nil draw in Nairobi. For a new young team they did well. Last year Gor Mahia was beaten at home 5-0 and Mathare were done the same 2-1. So this is definitely a big improvement.

MacDonald Mariga captured our minds as he became the hottest Kenyan soccer property on the market as Manchester City sought to sign him. In the end he went to Inter-Milan where he quickly settled into the team. World class players we have here in Kenya. They just don’t get an opportunity to market themselves properly due to the constant wrangling of the soccer authorities here. (Is anybody listening?) MacDonald all the best mate as you take the Kenyan soccer dream higher and higher. At least we shall be privileged to have a Kenyan playing in the Champions league even if it’s on the bench.

The Kenyan athletes who continue globetrotting around the globe and winning road races everywhere we continue to salute you. The Kipkeyeye, Kipkemimi and Kipkesomebody continue to confound and astound as they keep showing the rest a clean player of heels. I’m sure the other foreign runners in their minds are cursing and shouting ‘Mulika Mkenya na shika yeye’.

Politicians too get a brief pat and this time it is to the PSC committee on Constitutional Affairs. They went to Naivasha argued for seven days and drank for seven nights but in the end they did come up with a common stand and Constitutional draft document which they agreed and smiled in front of the cameras with their hangovers. For that they join the group of heroes and heroines and only for those seven days which they were accountable to the public. After that they all went and disowned parts of the document they agreed upon and normal service had resumed.

The last group of heroes and heroines is the Kenyan mwananchi for his continuous resilience. Being a Kenyan is not easy as you have to keep up with a lot of crap that happens around us. From circus performances of politicians and their ilk, traffic police who are counting stars during the day and letting traffic in Nairobi be the worst nightmare during the day you can endure and of course PSV drivers in matatus, City Hoppas, KBS and other private carriers as well as survive the Likoni ferry daily. If you can endure all that and at the same time continue paying high taxes then you my friend are a true hero/heroine of Kenya.

Villains

I will try and not dwell too much on the villains as they bring out negative energy but the first are matatus and traffic policemen. These two birds of a feather are driving Nairobians nuts with their bad manners. They are both a high contributor to the incessant traffic jams we are experiencing 24 hours a day in Nairobi. Surely something must be done about this as it is ridiculous to be sitting in a vehicle for more than 4 hours everyday and going nowhere.

Still on traffic matters the other lot are the careless drivers who caused a lot grief on the highways and we saw unfortunately plenty lives lost. Yes you got it PSV drivers and the lorry driver cousins worked hard at this in February. Tragically many lives were sadly lost. This is a cancer that collectively must be eradicated. Road Safety is paramount. No bets for guessing which ministry this is.

G4S were at it again and this time nobody really knows how much went as it was just too much money. At last count it was at least Ksh 300 million (exchange rate $1 – Ksh 76). Surely there must be something seriously amiss with the employment policy of that organisation. They must be the newest and quickest pyramid scheme in Kenya. The usual jokes are out of course ‘Ponyoka na Millioni’, ‘Gone 4 Sure’, ‘Gone in 4 Seconds’, etc, etc. Some of the fellows involved have been arrested after having bought new fridges, plasmas, mekos, slippers and furniture in one go and all in cash. These guys really don’t have ideas. They can plan but have no clue how to spend or go underground. For starters you don’t go to your rural home to hide. The system is so efficient (yes it works) and the local sub-chief will smoke you out and make life hell together with his AP’s for your clansmen. Mind you G4S are still recruiting everyday.

AFC Leopards successfully manage to be here too. Three days to travelling to Ethiopia they suddenly discover that half their players don’t have passports, birth certificates and other identification documents. They go ahead and fire 3 of their five coaches (too many coaches) and suddenly don’t have a training ground. This only happens in Kenya unfortunately. The outcome is they however made it to Ethiopia and were dumped out 3-0.

High Drama Moments of the Month and beyond

These are never short here in Kenya. Entertainment by politicians and some religious type people have filled our plates to the brim.

Firstly my fellow coastal Chirau Ali Mwakwere lost his seat as an MP and all sides of the divide had plenty to say on this. Some rejoiced, some cried as the flag was lost and some simply said good riddance. My own opinion I will keep to myself but all I know is the new Likoni ferries have not yet arrived from Germany. Chirau did not (and has not) gone down fighting. He continued being the Minister even after being declared a non-MP and went ahead to dismiss the KPA MD. When you go down you don’t go alone, you drag someone with you in the mud and this he did in style.

The Ruto-Ongeri circus provided more drama as high level jabs were thrown around with each side flexing its political muscle. By the time the dust settled the two Principals were busy doing other stuff and you and I tax-payers were left wondering what was going on here. Everybody is still in office and life goes on. Ongeri released the Form 4 results where there were cheers and tears across the country. Ruto continued and maize in the country is plentiful.

I never watched Tusker Project Fame so I had no clue who Joseph Hellon was until this February. A saxophonist and a church leader I am told he led (or leads) a high-level celeb church in Runda and his biggest prize, I mean disciple is one Ester Arunga. This pretty lady used to liven the screens reading 9pm news and is quite articulate. Whatever drama that happened in their church only they themselves know but they have provided us with a soap opera never seen before in Kenya in a long time. Even Jeff Koinange was a distant second in this drama. Hellon a.k.a. Nimrod Onyango Omondi and Ester are living some high (believe me high) lifestyle and they have dropped some serious names as their acquaintances e.g. Larry King, Tiger Woods, Colin Powell, Sarah Palin, Benny Hinn and Pepsi. Their other acquaintance and now we hear Ester’s husband is one Quincy Zuma Wambiti Timberlake a.k.a Fizzle Dogg. This is not a program on telly but ‘Days of Our Lives’ made in Runda. You don’t get bored when these three are around. What is the knockout punch is that Hellon (Omosh) and Ester Timberlake want to be President and Vice-President come 2012. The name of their party? The PLACENTA Party. Why that name? Because Kenya is in a gestation period.

And with that I close my article for today. Have a blessed week and I do hope to pen something again soon.

Taking You Back - Quinzone 4th April 2005

2005 Kenya Cup campaign begins.

Quins started the 2005 on a bright start by thumping Nondescripts 53 - 18 in the first match of the season. Nondies who have bought players into their camp including some from Quins raced to a bright start and even had the audacity to go into the break leading.

However Quins shifted into gear and came back a charging side and tore the white shirts to pieces. They ran in tries at will with Sidney Ashioya, Felix Ochieng, Alan Makaka and Pascal Wetukha time and time again forcing the the Jamhuri based side to back pedal. ln the end it was song and joy in the stands as Quins grabbed 5 points for the win which included a bonus point to perch themselves at the top of the log.

Nondies for all their money could buy conceded that they lost to a SURE, STRONG, SUPERIOR QUINS.

It was all gloom for the Red Lion as their second team were also on the receiving end going down 12-3 to the Quins seconds. Well done lads keep going all the way.

A truly memorable weekend for the Quin it was. A good crowd turned up at the ground over the weekend and it was good to see long lost faces back on the terraces. Keep coming people. We need you!

Next game on Saturday at the Railway club vs. Mwamba.

Have a good week.

ONCE A QUIN ALWAYS A QUIN
TO BE A QUIN IS A WAY OF LIFE
A QUIN NEVER GETS DRUNK, JUST GETS TIRED

Cheers People

Herbert Mwachiro...

PS: 1. Our Catholic Brethren and Sisters we are together. 2. Charles and Camilla enjoy the wedding night and stock up on viagra.3. The Quins Queens have begun training.

WATCH TAWA BY HERBO: Mambo Yote - 13th January 2010

WATCH TAWA BY HERBO: Mambo Yote - 13th January 2010